


... And Doom Was Spelled In Their Eyes

by thatgirlfromasgard



Series: fluids crack fics [1]
Category: Hermitcraft RPF
Genre: Gen, Mistakes were made, Oneshot, caramelldansen mention, crackfic, did you know you can port doom to cybernetic eyes, doc for hogcatcher, please dont take this too serious, silly bets, thats it thats the fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-01
Updated: 2020-07-01
Packaged: 2021-03-05 01:34:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,466
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25016320
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thatgirlfromasgard/pseuds/thatgirlfromasgard
Summary: You know that meme, about Doom being able to be ported to basically any electronic device? That's it. That's the fic.
Series: fluids crack fics [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1811404
Comments: 9
Kudos: 141





	... And Doom Was Spelled In Their Eyes

If there was anything the Hermits had little of, it was secrets. Generally, they were quite open about basically everything. Of course, they acted mysterious about their works in progress, and they didn’t say things about presents they had gotten others, or surprises in the making, but there generally weren’t full blown swear-you-won’t-tell-anyone secrets. Generally.

The pact between the cyborgs was a very large exception. Well, not just cyborgs, because Xisuma was also in on the pact, but besides that… no one knew. No one knew what they had managed to achieve. No one knew why they had become more fidgety as of late, why their thoughts seemed so far away at times, why they seemingly muttered curses to themselves.

The others weren’t aware of their latest technical adventures, and they had no idea of what Xisuma had done. The admin himself was still wondering why he had done what he had done, but there was not really a way to turn it back now. Especially during their weekly meetings, he found himself trying to figure out exactly _why_ he had thought it to be a good idea to take on the bet. It had all started with an innocent conversation with Iskall, a few weeks ago…

~~~~~~

“So, X, I’ve been meaning to ask, but… why are you always wearing that armour? I mean, the green one. What’s it from?” Iskall was messing with some of the redstone for the project, as Xisuma was checking the contents of one of the hoppers. “And… shouldn’t you like change the shirt? This one is all in tatters.”

The admin looked over his shoulders, an incredulous look in his eyes that quickly turned into one of being offended.

“You don’t recognize it? I thought that if anyone did, it would be you! It’s the outfit of the main character of Doom, of course! That’s including the ripped shirt. How else am I supposed to show off my abs?” He flexed, hitting against the toned muscle with the side of his fist. Iskall in the meanwhile squinted.

“What main character?”

“As I said. The main character of Doom.”

“ _What_ main character? I’m flattered you’re using my catchphrase, but it’s not really helping clear up things right now.”

Xisuma sighed as he realized what was going on.

“You mean you don’t know Doom? The game? At all? Never heard of the ‘I got Doom to work on x’ meme?”

It was almost as though he could see the gears turning in the Swede’s head before he blinked, and the quarter dropped.

“Ooooooh, Doom! Of course I know Doom! Just haven’t played it in a while is all. But now that you say it… Huh, I didn’t take you for much of a cosplayer.” He muttered the last part to himself as he adjusted his mental image of the admin. “That being said… _Did_ you get Doom to run on X?” Iskall joked, chuckling as he finished. He never meant it to be seriously considered, but that wasn’t the way Xisuma looked at it.

“Well… I never really tried to, if I’m honest. Hmm.” He rubbed the bottom part of his helmet as he thought, not noticing the sudden mischievous twinkle in Iskalls eyes.

“I bet you can’t get it to run on your visor.”

“Really now? What if I manage to port it and play it?” X smirked. While he had never tried to actually port the game to his visor, he _had_ managed to get it to work on his communicator a year or so back as a joking test of skill. He had experience with how it worked, and he was reasonably certain he could get it done.

“Well… If you manage it, I’d of course want it as well.” The Swede tapped the side of his diamond eye. “And I can imagine there’s some more Hermits with visors and cybernetic eyes that might want in on it. That being said, though… I’ll give you access to my gold farm and you get to name any five of my villagers or piglins. How does that sound?”

“Sounds good, but let’s say you can’t then go and get rid of those renamed villagers, alright? And… If I don’t get it to work, I’ll build a statue of IskallMAN in the shopping district, is that okay?”

“You got yourself a deal,” grinned Iskall.

~~~~~~

The joy of being promised his very own port of Doom to his eye was partially overshadowed by finding out he now had a villager named _Diorite is Love_. It was worse that it was his favourite mason that had taken on the name.

“Come on man, I trusted you! How could you let him do that to you?” he asked, but the villager just stared blankly at him, humming in response. With a sigh, Iskall shook his head before strapping on his elytra and flying into the Nether. Xisuma had summoned not only him, but basically everyone in cyborg club, to his base with a simple “Come over, I have a gift for you all ;-)” in their group chat. Most of the others had been confused, but Iskall had known what it had meant, and he was eager to get over there.

It was also why he was the first one to burst out of the portal in the admin’s base, who had set up a circle of chairs and a table with a chest on it on the platform just outside of it. X was already sitting there, staring straight ahead and drumming a rhythm on his thighs. From what Iskall could see, his mouth was also moving but he wasn’t close enough to be able to hear what he was saying.

“Hi!” the Swede said as he waved at the admin, who seemingly ignored him. Iskall walked closer, wondering what was going on. “Hello, X? Are you there?” he asked, once more without much response. Now, though, he was close enough to hear what the other man was saying.

“ _DIE,_ you stupid demons. Yeah, that’s right, rip and tear. Oh, no, don’t you dare run, I’m not done with you yet. Aaaaah… There we go, better. Excellent. Anyone else?”

The puzzlement near instantly faded from Iskalls mind. _Well, that explains a lot. He’s playing Doom. On his visor. Right now._ He grabbed his communicator from his pocket, and opened up the private messages towards X.

<iskall85> Flexing with your Doom abilities, I see? :p

Mere seconds after he hit sent, a short stream of curses escaped X’ mouth, before he tapped on his thighs a few more times and focussed on Iskall.

“You’re here early. I thought it would’ve taken a little longer, then I would’ve been able to finish the level. I almost got it, too… And then your message popped up and I died. Oh well.” He shrugged, then stood up. “That’s a little bit of integration I’ll need to tweak.”

The portal behind them vwooped a few times as the others came through it, all equally confused.

“What’s this all about?” asked Doc as he plucked a few bits of gravel from the holes of his crocs.

“I’ll explain in a moment. Sit down, sit down, I got something I think all of you will like.” Xisuma gestured to the chairs all around, and the others sat down. Iskall was excited, Doc was confused, Biffa had already pulled out a thermos with tea in it, and Python was just staring at the chest.

“Alright, now that everyone’s here… I’ll let you all in on a little secret. Iskall already knows, but… I managed to get Doom to work on my visor.”

“Doom?” Doc asked, half turning to Biffa.

“It’s a game. Heard you can play it on basically everything that has an optical output and some kind of input,” the robot answered, before taking a sip of tea. “X is a little bit of a fanboy over it. It’s the reason he still doesn’t have a proper shirt.”

“Aaaah. Got it.”

“In any case. Iskall said you all would probably also like it, and given that it has a multiplayer option… I figured out a way to port it to your cybernetic eyes as well. In Biffa’s case, I have a slightly tweaked version for your visor. Who of you wants it?” Xisuma smiled proudly before walking over to the chest. He rummaged through it, picking out a few colour-coded disks that looked a lot like old-school cd’s, except that these were a bit smaller and also semi-transparent. Almost like tangible holograms.

“YES. One hundred percent yes!” the Swede said, sticking his hand in the air.

“Rip and tear, right?” Python responded with a smile, already raising his hand.

“I _will_ beat your highscore again, you know that, right?” asked Biffa, grinning.

“You wish. I’ll count that as a yes, though. Doc? How about you? It’s a classic shooter game, if that-“

“Sign me up. I want to try that.” It seemed like the promise of a shooter was all he needed to make up his mind, and before long, X was distributing the little disks. Doc got a green one, Pythons one was red, Biffa’s was pink, and Iskall received a lovely blue disk.

“These are software update drives. I think all of you have seen or used them before?”

Python nodded sagely before putting his disk into his mouth, making his cybernetic eye glow red briefly.

“And that’s how it’s done indeed.”

The admin looked around as the others followed his lead, and he vaguely got an idea for a prank with the update drives. He should be able to make a program that made the eyes flash repeatedly in a series of colours, like purple, blue, green, and red. And it should not be too hard to make sounds go over internal speaker systems like Biffa and probably Doc had.

_This has the potential for Caramelldansen shenanigans. Hmmm… Maybe in a few weeks._

A few minutes later, the installation seemed to be complete as Python started tapping on his arm before a grin spread on his face.

“Amazing! It works!” he said, and seconds later X saw a little popup appear in the corner of his visor.

 _Alert: PythonGB is now playing Doom_.

“Alright, one last thing, it’s probably best to be a bit careful about when you play it. We don’t want elytra accidents, now do we?” X asked to the others. Iskall nodded.

“Yep. That would be bad. I reckon it might even be best to just not say we can do this to others, lest they get envious of us.”

“Mmmhmm, that sounds like a plan. Besides, if they don’t know, we can get away with playing a game while listening to them,” Doc remarked with a shrug.

“Good one, good one. Let’s make a pact. The others won’t hear a word about this,” Iskall said, looking from one cyborg to the other.

“Certainly,” Biffa said, holding out a hand. The other cyborgs quickly followed, putting their hand on top of his, before looking at Xisuma, that was still standing next to the chest, wondering what he had caused.

“Come on, X. Join us.”

“Yeah!”

“Do it!”

In the end, with a little bit of pressure from his friends, he sighed, shook his head, and walked over.

“Alright, alright. Don’t go causing problems, though.” He put his hands on the others and the pact was made.

~~~~~~

He looked around the room, counting faces. It seemed like everyone was there, which means he could start.

“Alright. With everyone here, let’s begin this week’s meeting. First of all, the agenda. Does anyone have anything to say about it?”

In the bottom right corner of his visor, a set of messages popped up, almost within a second of each other.

_Alert: Iskall85 is now playing Doom_

_Alert: Docm77 is now playing Doom_

_Alert: PythonGB is now playing Doom_

_Alert: Biffa2001 has invited you to play Doom_

His gaze found those specific Hermits and saw them already tapping and drumming away at their cybernetic parts, some more obvious than the others. How the others hadn’t noticed yet, he wasn’t too sure about, but Xisuma was long happy that it didn’t disturb the meeting too much. In retrospect, it had probably been a bad thing to give the cyborgs this power, given how little they payed attention at times, but there was no turning it back now.

In any case, the meeting continued as they went from subject to subject. It didn’t take long for them to reach the subject of the Netherhub and what people wanted from that. He looked around as people thought, and Doc was the first to speak up, albeit a little bit on the softer side.

“All those goddamn demon pigs need to _die_. Come on.” A little bit of fear for the pact bubbled up in Xisuma’s chest, sure the others would pick up on it.

“Do you mean those hoglins? I agree, they’re a menace,” Joe nodded. “Almost as much of a menace as those stray dogs in the shopping district were. I’m just gonna say, there’s an open position for hogcatcher, and while I would fill it, I don’t think that would be wise.”

The admin breathed out in relief.

“Yeah! There we go! I _can_ do it!” Doc then exclaimed, before very self-consciously looking around.

“You’re applying for the position, then?” the poet asked, already taking out some papers.

“Uh, yeah, why not?” The cyborg did his best to sound like he knew what was going on, but the illusion kind of faded about four seconds later. A popup message appeared in the admin’s visor once more.

<docm77> WHAT’S THE POSITION X???

<docm77> WHAT DID I JUST SIGN UP FOR???

“You’re a brave soul, Doc.”

<docm77> WHY IS JOE CALLING ME BRAVE WHAT THE HELL DID I SIGN UP FOR?!

<docm77> X I NEED ANSWERS

The admin just chuckled.

“Is there anyone else that would like to apply for the position of Hogcatcher?” He looked around, and he could swear he saw Doc going a shade paler. The other Hermits around just shook their heads, muttering a “nope” here and there.

“Well then. If no one would like to apply, the position by default goes to Doc. Unless anyone has issues with that?”

His eyes mostly landed on Doc, that was doing his best to not show how many issues he had with getting the position. No such concerns came from the others, though.

“No issues? Then I hereby pronounce Doc as the official Hogcatcher.” X just smiled, tapping out a message on his thigh. He had remembered again why his idea had been quite okay after all.

<xisumavoid> And that, my friend, is why you don’t play and partake in meetings.

**Author's Note:**

> im not even sure where this came from but i guess i should say sorry?  
> anyways follow me on tumblr @fluid-quartz


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